


A Crowd of Stars

by Licoriceallsorts



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: F/M, Gen, Missing Scenes, OG Canon compliant, oh and Johnny too!, pretty much everyone in Avalanche and Shinra gets a mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 04:54:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15502746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Licoriceallsorts/pseuds/Licoriceallsorts
Summary: Tifa is sure her memories can help Cloud recover his true identity, but what if he knows something she has forgotten?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [turtlesparadise](https://archiveofourown.org/users/turtlesparadise/gifts).



Johnny had been throwing nervous glances over his shoulder all evening. Now, infused with four pints-worth of beery courage, he beckoned Tifa to come over. She put the plate of stew down in front of Cloud, received a grunt of thanks, and went back to the bar to find out what was bothering Johnny, though she could guess. 

“That new guy…him with the hair... ”

“Yes?” said Tifa

“He’s not from around here.”

“No,” she said patiently.

“Where’s he from?”

“Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. You know the rules, Johnny.”

“Aw, man, Teef. I just -  I just - I just wanna make sure you’re okay. I gotta tell you, he looks like trouble to me.”

.

Strangely enough,  _ trouble _ was the exact word that had come to Tifa’s mind three weeks previously, when she’d caught sight of a SOLDIER slumped under the streetlamp at the railway station, the stationmaster bending over him, a stray dog sniffing at his boots. SOLDIER and trouble went together like shit and the smell of the shit, like bullets and blood, and if she was smart (which she was), she ought to give that little tableau of dog, man and man a wide berth. 

Only -

There was something about that SOLDIER, something not right. Was he drunk? Sick? Incapacitated? 

If he was as weak as he looked, she might be able to kill him. 

A crazy thought, of course, but seeing your hated enemy lying wide open practically on your own doorstep would make anyone lose their mind a little. 

The stationmaster straightened up, turned around, and went up the steps into the station office. The dog sank down on its haunches, whining. Tifa inched closer, fists clenched. 

She saw his hair. She saw his face. 

Her heart kicked against her ribs. For a moment everything went black; the ground tilted under her feet. Was she going to be sick?

No? Okay, then. Look at him. Double check. Focus. 

Yes, it was him all right. So, he’d made it into SOLDIER after all.

The dog was barking at her. “Go home,” she shooed. 

He looked half-dead. Shivering from head to foot, limbs twitching, pale lips mumbling words she couldn't decipher. And so thin! As if he’d been living on starvation rations for months. 

_ Be wise, Tifa. Walk away. This will bring you nothing but trouble.  _

The thing was, her problem (and this wasn't her imagination; Barret had commented on it too) was that she was too kind. Growing up, kindness had been a sort of religion in her house. Her parents had been wonderful people. Hadn’t her mum helped out this SOLDIER’s mother when nobody else would? Hadn’t her father been elected mayor because he was a kind and fair man? They had raised her in the belief that a spoonful of charity could make a mountain of difference. When she came to Midgar, she tried - she tried _so hard_ \- to keep the faith. Her first attempt at showing kindness to strangers had ended with a child robbing her blind. Her second attempt would have got her raped, if it hadn't been for Zangan's training. 

Then she’d met Barret and joined Avalanche, and she’d come to the realisation that there was more than one way of showing how much you cared about the world. She was fighting not for herself, but for everybody. Humanity's collective future depended on her. She had a moral duty to take care of herself. 

_ This boy was nothing but trouble back home and he’ll be nothing but trouble now. Walk away, walk away - _

Against her own better judgement, she approached him. She couldn’t seem to stop herself. “Cloud?”

He struggled to raise his head. His hands flapped weakly, as if trying to ward her off. “No. No. Don’t hurt.”

Had he been in a fight? It would be just like him. “Cloud? Don’t you know me?”

She crouched down to take a good look at his eyes. They were badly bloodshot, but even so she could see they were much bluer than she remembered, a blue that seemed to give off light rather than take it in, like the eyes of that other SOLDIER, the one who’d worn a uniform just like this, only his eyes had been full of life and laughter, and Cloud’s eyes were… 

They told his story, didn’t they? A story she knew all too well, the story of anyone who got mixed up with Shinra.   Faint scars criss-crossed his arms, which were nothing but muscle and veins, not an ounce of fat. When she put out a hand to touch him, he shrank away. What had they done to him?

As if she couldn’t guess. Painful, cruel, humiliating things. Dreams turned to nightmares.

She’d never imagined she would see him again. She wasn’t prepared for this - 

Cloud jerked to his feet as if he'd been hit by a surge of electricity. Take by surprise, she stumbled backwards.

“Tifa?” His voice grated like a rusty hinge. 

“You - you know my name. Is it really you, Cloud?”

His eyes couldn’t stay focused on her. It was like nothing she’d ever seen. One eye wandered off to the left, the other eye rolled up, then down. Just watching them move made Tifa feel queasy. 

“That’s right,” he said, “I’m Cloud.” 

He reached over his shoulder. Too late, she realised he was carrying a sword and cursed her reckless kindness. If this was how it had to be, she'd go down fighting -

He struck a pose, staggering drunkenly, and twirled the sword in the air. She was amazed he didn’t fall over. “I’m Cloud Strife,” he announced, “SOLDIER First Class.”

“I never thought I’d find you here. What happened to you? You don’t look well.”

“Oh, nothing. I’m fine.”

“It’s been such a long time…”

“Five years.”

Something - gut instinct? the look in his eyes? her memories of the boy he used to be? - warned her to be careful. Sleepwalkers could hurt themselves if they were woken too abruptly. Cloud wasn't sleepwalking, not exactly... But he clearly wasn't in his right mind, either. 

One think she knew for sure was that she couldn't leave him here for Shinra to find. He’d belonged to her before he belonged to them.  Where should she take him? To a doctor? That would be risky. All the decent slum doctors worked in the Shinra clinics. Should she take him home? Barret would go ballistic. 

The stationmaster was coming down the steps. “Miss Tifa, do you know this fellow?”

“What’s wrong with him?”

The stationmaster shook his head. "The poor chap's come off his rails."

“Did you see him arrive? Did he come on the train? Where did he come from?”

“I found him here when I came on duty this morning. I don’t like to interfere because, you know - “  He gestured at the SOLDIER uniform. “Best not to get involved. But maybe I should call them and see if they've got a man missing. The company takes care of its own."

Quicker than thought, she said, “No, don’t do that. He's with me now. I’ll look after him.”

So there it was. Decided. 

The stationmaster gave her a funny look. “You do know him, then?”

“Of course,” she said. “He’s my boyfriend.”

.

“The stationmaster said he’s your boyfriend.” After a fifth pint, Johnny’s mouth had turned sulky.

“You’ve been gossiping about me?” Tifa kept her tone light: sweet banter with just a hint of saltiness. 

“Is he? Your boyfriend?”

“ _ Old _ friend. I said he’s my  _ old _ friend.”

“I wouldn’t mind if he was, Teef, I just gotta know. A guy like me can’t compete with SOLDIER.”

“I’ve known him since I was a little girl. We were neighbours, back home.”

“Where’s that, Teef?”

“Oh, nowhere you’ve ever heard of. A little no-name village in the back of beyond.”

“Was he your boyfriend back home?”

“He’s not my boyfriend. We’re just old childhood friends who accidentally happened to bump into each other.”

“So he’s not your boyfriend?”

“How many times?”

“So I’m still in with a chance?”

“In your dreams, buddy.” Tifa forced a laugh and made it sound natural. She was good at that. Over these last five years, she’d had plenty of practice. 


	2. Chapter 2

That day, the day she found him, she dragged Cloud home, up the stairs, through the saloon door, surprising Barret, who jumped up so fast he turned a table over, just like in the movies. It almost made her laugh.

“What the fuck, Teef?” he said, “No, no, no, no, no - “

Cloud’s arm was around her shoulder, the steel toes of his boots scraping the floorboards. “Please,” she said, “Help me. He’s heavier than he looks.”

Barret slung Cloud over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, carried him up to the spare room and dumped him on the bed. Cloud groaned and passed out.

“I've seen skeletons with more meat on their bones.” said Barret. “Is he starving? Is that what’s wrong with him?”

Tifa tried to explain the miracle that had occurred, what it meant, who he was. 

“Are you out of your mind?” said Barret. “No. No. You can’t keep him.”

“Just until he’s well again.”

“You shouldn’t’ve brought him here. What the hell were you thinking?”

“What was I supposed to do, walk by on the other side and pretend I never saw him? He’s so weak he can’t even walk. Look how sick he is.”

“They’re all sick. Sick and fucked up. The shit Shinra do them, they’re not even human. You know that, right? You know that, Tifa.”

“He’s an old dear friend of mine.”

“Huh,” said Barret, “Never thought I’d hear you say that about the Shinra.”

That stung. “This is my bar,” she reminded him. “I decide who stays and who goes. He’s staying. At least until he’s better.”

She had played her trump card. Barret chewed on it silence for a bit. Then he said, “What if it’s a trap?”

“You think I haven’t thought of that?”  But the only way it could be a trap was if Shinra knew who she was, knew where she was from, and knew Cloud was her childhood friend. And if they, the blue suits, knew who she was, wouldn’t it be easier for them to simply shoot her, rather than drinking in her bar on a Saturday night, which had become their habit lately? Drinking her whiskey and staring at her tits. One day they would all die screaming in pain. They would go down in flames

“It ain’t safe,” said Barret. “He ain’t safe. I got Marlene to think of.”

“I would never, ever put Marlene in danger. You know I wouldn’t. Cloud is safe. I know he is. He’s not like the others. I know him.”

“You _knew_ him, you mean. How long’s it been?”

Seven years, but Barret didn’t need the exact number. “We were very close growing up. We practically lived in each other’s houses. He left before - you know.”

“Ran away to join the Shinra, huh?”

Sad stories about suffering children could be relied on to evoke Barret's tenderest sympathies. “Cloud’s had it tough all his life," she said. "His dad died before he was born and his mum raised him on her own. It’s not easy being a single mum in a place like our town. We did what we could for them. His mum was always in and out of our house.”

Mrs Strife had been Mrs Lockhart’s cleaning lady, but Barret didn’t need to know that either.

“He probably doesn’t even know his mother is dead. Poor Cloud,” Tifa sighed, “All he wanted was to make her proud of him. His dream was to be a hero.”

“Damn recruiting posters got a lot to answer for,” said Barret gruffly. He was weakening, she could tell.

“We all made the mistake of trusting Shinra. You can’t condemn him for that, not without hearing his story. They threw him out into the gutter like a sick dog. And now you want me to do the same?”

Barret squirmed. “It ain’t like that, Teef - “

“And besides,” she said.

Barret waited. “What?”

“You, me, Jessie, Biggs, Wedge, we all have our own personal reasons for fighting the Shinra. What if Cloud decided to join us? We’re hurting for help. A trained SOLDIER like him, who knows Shinra from the inside… He could make a big difference.”

Barret thought it over. “That’s fair,” he admitted. “But you gotta be careful, Teef. You got a big heart, but you got a smart brain too. Don’t go soft on this guy just ‘cause you were kids together.”

“I know what’s at stake. You can trust my judgement, Barret. I brought in Wedge, didn’t I?”

“I trust you. But him - “ Barret waved his gun arm at the comatose Cloud - “We just gotta wait and see.”

.

For six days and nights Cloud tossed and turned on the narrow bed, grinding his teeth, moaning in his sleep. The rusty iron bedstead squealed under his feverish restlesness. Once he threw out an arm and put his fist right through the wall. That frightened her, just a little. She saw how easily he could hurt someone by accident.  

His sweat stank of mako. Tifa stripped off his crusty SOLDIER uniform to give him a sponge bath. His body, though painfully thin and covered with scars, was beautiful; it stirred up in her desires that she immediately, ruthlessly stifled. She wasn't ashamed; such feelings were only natural; but, whatever they had once been to each other, right now she was his nurse and he was her patient, reliant on her for his most intimate needs. More than any else, what she wanted was for him to feel safe here. She wanted him to stay.  

 .

On the morning of the seventh day his fever broke. He woke up calling her name. She dropped everything and came running.

“Tifa, it _is_ you. I thought I was dreaming.”

In her happiness, she grabbed his hand and pressed it to her cheek. “Yes, it’s me.”

“Are we home? Was that a dream?”

“You’re in Midgar, Cloud.”

“I had a terrible nightmare. Your house was burning. I couldn’t find you.”

“Don’t think about it. You’re safe now.”

“You found me.”

“Yes.”

“You must be my good angel,” he smiled weakly.

.

The next time he was woke, he was screaming. Tifa rushed to his side. “Ssh, be quiet. There are Turks downstairs.”

“My mother’s dead,” he cried.

Without stopping to think, she blurted out, “You know?”

“What?” he groaned. “It’s true? I thought it was a dream.”

He turned his face to the wall, pulled the covers over his head. When she laid a consoling hand on his shoulder, he shrugged it off.

She felt so bloody useless sometimes.

It wasn’t easy. She’d had years to get used to it. Just give him time.

But how was it possible he could have known about his mother, and yet at the same time thought her death was a dream?  He both knew and didn't know. It made no sense. Maybe he'd wished it was a dream. Or maybe it really had been a dream, a message from beyond the grave. The bond between Cloud and his mother had always been a strong one. To tell the truth, Tifa used to envy him, a little. She would have followed her own mother into the afterlife, and yet in all these years her mother had never once reached out to speak to her in dreams.

.

The next day she went up to find him out of bed, naked in front of the mirror, peering closely at his own reflection as if it were someone he felt he knew but couldn’t quite place. Tifa averted her gaze. Not because she didn’t want to look, but because she was afraid he might read her mind.

“Where’s my uniform?” he asked her.

“It was filthy. I washed it.” She wished she’d burnt it.

“I need it.”

“There are fresh clothes in the drawers. I put them there for you.”

“I want my uniform.”

“Is that really such a good - “

“I’m a SOLDIER. First Class. I worked hard for that uniform. I earned it. It’s mine.” He was speaking to his reflected self, not to her. His eyes in the mirror turned a hotter shade of blue.

Human eyes couldn’t do that, couldn’t literally blaze - but a SOLDIER’s could. Tifa remembered. The stink of mako grew strong in her nostrils; an overpowering fear engulfed her. The room was swirling: Cloud dissolved into a blur of black and silver snatching the sword from her hand, slicing her down to the bone, the heat of his eyes like the blast from a furnace, knocking her off her feet -

“Where is it?” said Cloud.

Her heart was beating so fast she could barely breathe. “Wardrobe. Top shelf.”

He didn’t seem to have noticed her attack of panic. Wordlessly she watched him find the uniform and put it on, fastening the many buckles with practiced ease. “Where’s my sword? And my materia?”

She could not, would not, crumble like this. If she let herself be afraid of him, that would be the end of everything. She had to make herself look past the hated uniform to the boy inside, her  own dear Cloud, the same boy who seven years ago had sent a paper airplane flying through her window bearing the pencilled message  _meet me at the water tower_. She'd managed to elude her father's vigilance and slip out, only to find, when she'd made it to the rendezvous, that he was too nervous to speak. Back then, she'd taken charge of the situation. She would take charge now. 

“I put your weapons somewhere safe, Cloud. You can have them back as soon as I’m sure you don’t pose any danger to yourself or others.”

His face changed. Blink, just like that, like the click of a camera shutter, the SOLDIER with the burning eyes vanished and a twinkly-eyed charmer stood in his place. He turned his head to flash a grin at her. “Did I scare you?”

Was he doing this on purpose? Did he _know_ he was doing it?

He said, “SOLDIER are friends to children and protectors of the weak.”

“My house, my rules.”

Laughing, he held up both hands in mock-surrender. “No problem, ma’am. You’re the boss.”

That smile on his face reminded her of something, or someone, but she couldn’t remember who, couldn’t fix the memory in time.  All day long it ate away at her.

.

She brought him his dinner on a tray. “You don’t have to keep doing this,” he said as he took it from her. “I can stand on my own two feet now. I gotta get outta this room soon. I’m going stir-crazy.”

“It’s not safe tonight. The Turks are downstairs again.”

“Turks?”

“I think they like my home-cooking.”

Cloud’s blank stare was not the reaction she’d expected. An unwelcome suspicion entered her mind. “You know who the Turks are, don’t you?”

“Shinra’s assassins? Sure, who doesn’t? I used to go on missions with them back in the day.”

“What if they recognised you? You’re a deserter. You _did_ desert Shinra, didn’t you?”

“If you say so.”

“Did you or didn’t you?”

A little heat came into his eyes. “What’s it to you?”

_Don’t be afraid. It’s Cloud. It’s Cloud. Don’t be afraid._ Tifa took a deep breath. “I need to know.” She tried to sound both calm and firm.

“Well, yeah, sure. I quit. What do you think I am? After what happened to our town, you think I could go on taking their money?”

“Cloud - do you know what happened at Nibelheim?”

He laughed incredulously. “What do you mean? I was there, Tifa. I came with Sephiroth. Don’t you remember? ”

“Tee-fa,” Jessie called up the stairs, “It’s getting pretty crowded down here. Everyone’s asking for you.”

“You better go,” said Cloud, tucking into his food as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

Tifa groped her way down the stairs. The noise in the crowded bar was not as loud as the noise inside her head. A whiskey bottle found its way into her hand. She poured herself a double and knocked it back in a single gulp. Then she noticed the Turk with the red hair and the mean sharp eyes propping up the bar, watching her closely.

“Hard day?” he asked.

“Jessie can take your order.”

“Uh-uh, sweet cheeks,” he said. “You’re our favourite barmaid. Gimme one of those, no ice, and a Steamroller for my partner. And have another for yourself. You look like you could use it.”

Right then and there she made up her mind. Everything was going to be okay. She would _make_ it okay. If she could survive what these ugly smirking bastards had done to her home and family, and not only survive but thrive and mix their drinks with a sweet smile plastered across her lips while inside she was plotting their fiery demise - well, then she could handle poor Cloud being a little mixed-up in the head. If Shinra had broken him, she would fix him. All she needed was patience and….

Love.  


	3. Chapter 3

When she was able to take a little quiet time to examine her heart, Tifa asked herself this question: did she love him for what he represented, the home she had lost, the shared memories, or did she love him for himself? And if she loved him for himself, then who, exactly, was he? 

These last seven years had changed her into someone her own father wouldn’t recognise. What must they have done to Cloud? His moods were as changeable as a summer’s day. Sometimes he was a sullen child, wary, watchful, taciturn. Sometimes he was the roguish charmer, flirtatious and fun. Sometimes he was just Cloud, her oldest, dearest friend. 

The hot-eyed monster had not made a second appearance. She knew it might, and every day she braced herself anew against that danger. But every night, when they’d got through another day safely, she breathed a little easier. 

Deep inside him there had to be a thread tying these different Clouds together.  All she had to do was find it, and then, come what may, hold on tight. 

.

Now that he was feeling stronger, often when the bar was empty he’d come down and without saying anything look around and find something useful to do, sweeping floors, hauling beer crates, chopping onions. “One little known benefit of being in SOLDIER,” he told her. “Onions don’t make me cry.”

This was the Cloud she remembered, the shy, thoughtful boy who preferred to stand on the sidelines watching; who showed what he felt not with words, but with deeds. Often when they were small he’d left little gifts on her doorstep, things he’d found when wandering the mountainsides alone: a polished stone, a chunk of green materia, a piece of dragon-egg shell. She never saw him leaving them there, but it must have been him. It was the kind of thing he’d do. 

“You gave me a bird once,” she said. 

“The baby crow.” He smiled. “You remember.”

She’d been walking from somewhere to somewhere else - the details didn’t matter - when he’d appeared and said,  _ Look _ , and opened his hands to show her the most adorably ugly little featherless thing eyeing her hopefully, its mouth wide open. He’d asked her if she wanted it. Of course she did! Nobody else in town had a pet crow. She would raise it by hand and train it to perch on her shoulder and fly everywhere with her. It would be her own personal spirit animal. 

When she showed the chick to her father, he said she couldn’t keep it. Crows were vermin, crawling with parasites, and anyway the mother bird was bound to be around somewhere, so she should put it back where she found it and let nature take its course. 

“Dad made me get rid of it,” she said. “I felt terrible, I was sure it would die.”

“It didn’t.”

“How do you know?”

“I - found it where you left it. Mum let me keep it in my room. She was good with animals. When it was old enough to fend for itself, we let it go.”

“I never knew that. Did you tell me? I don’t remember. Is it odd that I don’t remember?”

What she meant was,  _ are you sure you’re not making this up? _

“Why would you remember?” Cloud shrugged. “It was years ago.”

“Your mom always said you were such a big help to her. I used to go and visit with her, you know, after you left. She really missed you. Your house felt so empty - “

“I don’t want to talk about my mother.” Cloud swept the onions peelings into a bowl and went outside to empty them into the compost bin. The screen door slammed shut behind him.

She saw she would have to tread lightly. Now was not the time to raise the biggest question of all.  Perhaps the time would never be right, but that wasn't for her to decide. She would let him set the pace. 

The more they talked, the more she realised just how unreliable his memory had become. He asked if she remembered the time they’d ‘borrowed’ two chocobos from the company stables and ridden all night under the stars until they came to the beach, all because Tifa had expressed a wish to see the sea. She didn’t remember uttering this wish; she  _ did _ remember the wild ride through the moonlight, but the boy at her side hadn’t been Cloud. Rowan Rivers - that was his name - had been a few years older than her other friends, and for some stupid reason she had thought him impossibly cool. When he asked her to ride with him to sea, she felt like the chosen one. Their fathers had caught up with them almost as soon as they arrived at the beach, so they hadn’t had time to  _ do _ anything - but since when did the truth matter to the town’s  gossips? Soon afterwards, to her relief, Rowan Rivers left Nibelheim to join Shinra. Cloud had followed him about a year later. 

It would be too cruel to call Cloud a liar. He sincerely believed his memory was real, and to be honest, she wished it were. She’d wanted a magical adventure. Rowan Rivers had only wanted one thing, and she’d been lucky her furious father had arrived in time to save her from the consequences of her own poor judgement. 

Cloud would never, could never, try to use her that way. Cloud had always been someone she could trust with her life. Some qualities went so deep to the essence of a person that nothing, neither time nor illness nor suffering, could change them. Tifa believed this with all her heart. Forgetting the exact details of past events… well, who didn’t do that? Nobody’s memory was perfect.

.

Now that Cloud was spending more time downstairs, it wasn’t long before he and Barret started butting heads. 

At breakfast:  _ bang!  _ Barret’s gun arm slammed the table, making Tifa and Marlene jump. Cloud went on chewing his toast as if nothing had happened. 

“You trying my patience with that damn uniform, boy?” Barret shouted.

“It’s not always about you,” said Cloud.

“Ain’t you got nothing else to wear?”

“I like these.”

“You like the Shinra? You still in lo-o-ove with the Shinra?” Barret crooned mockingly.

“Do you realise what you sound like?”

“Are you still working for them?”

“I work for myself. Not that it’s any of your business.”

“Work?” Barret scoffed. “What work? You’re livin’ on Tifa’s charity, boy, and that’s a fact.”

Cloud pushed his plate away, stood up, and headed for the door. 

“Where are you going?” cried Tifa.

“Out.”

“Don’t - “ 

He was already gone. Furiously she turned on Barret. “How could you? How  _ dare _ you?”

Marlene dropped her spoon and burst into tears. 

Barret shot Tifa an angry glance as he gathered the child into his arms. Marlene hardly ever cried. Seeing that dear little face screwed up in fear made Tifa feel desperately ashamed of herself. Against the odds, the three of them had managed to make a home together, the first real security Marlene had ever known. And now Tifa had brought a stranger into their lives. She crouched on her heels to look Marlene in the eye, wiped the traces of tears from the child's soft cheeks, and said, “We’re a family, Marlene. Nothing’s going to change that, I promise.”

“I want him to go away. I don’t like him.”

“I know, but - give him a chance, please.  I know he can be a little rough around the edges, but inside, he’s a good person. You don’t need to be scared of him.”

“Like the scruffy dog,” said Marlene.

Tifa blinked. “What?”

Barret chuckled. “More like a scruffy chocobo.”

“There was a scruffy dog barking and I thought it was going to bite me but it just licked me and asked me to pet it. It wanted to be my friend.”

“Well, um, yes. And Cloud is my friend.”

“Huh,” muttered Barret. “Friend. Right.”

Tifa choose not to rise to the bait. Gathering up the breakfast plates, she carried them to the sink behind the bar. Barret pressed a kiss on the top of Marlene’s head and set her on the floor. “You okay now, baby? Why don’t you go watch cartoons for a while? Me and Teef need some grown-up talk.”

Marlene’s small feet pounded up the stairs. Tifa applied herself to the dishes with renewed vigour. Her shoulders tensed as Barret approached. “Please don’t start.”

“The guys are asking, how much longer?”

“I just need a little more time.”

“If you think I don’t understand what he means to you, Teef, you're wrong. If Myrna came walking through that door this minute, I’d do exactly what you’re doing. I know that ain’t gonna happen for me. I’m glad it happened for you. Truly, I am. But we done put everything on hold for him - “

“I know, and I’m grateful.”

“We can’t wait much longer. Jessie’s all set. Wedge says he’ll get the codes real soon now. Once we got those we gotta move fast. They don’t stay good long. If Cloud ain’t in, he’s gotta be out.”

“Don’t make me choose, Barret.”

“But that’s it, ain’t it? You can’t see it ain’t me doing the making. I don’t wanna fight with you. I just wanna know if you’ve asked him yet.”

“I’ll do it when he comes back.  _ If _ he comes back.”

“He’ll be back.” Barret sighed. "Where the hell else has he got to go?"

.

She spent a sleepless night worrying, but of course he came back the next morning, just as Barret had predicted. She suspected he’d been hanging around outside the back door, the way he used to do when they were kids, waiting for Barret and Marlene to go out so that he could have her to himself. He breezed into the bar with a spring in his step and a grin on his face, and she saw that today she’d be dealing with the charming rogue.

From behind his back he produced a bottle of rare vintage champagne, twirling it like a sword before placing it in her hands. “For you, milady.”

He’d earned the money culling a nest of the giant poisonous insects that infested the no-man’s land between one slum sector and another. This was going to be his work from now on: you paid him, he’d kill it. He’d fight anything if the price was right.

“I’m gonna get myself enough gil for a one way ticket and then I’m outta this dump. Costa del Sol, that’s the life for me. Sun, sea, sand, surf, a tequila sunrise, and chicks in bikinis playing beach volleyball. Pure paradise.”

“That sounds lovely,” said Tifa, heart aching.

“Yup. I’m Cloud Strife, sword for hire. No job too big. Or too small.”

“What if someone asked you to hurt the Shinra?” 

“Screw Shinra. Babe, for a million gil I’d knock off the President himself.”

“How much to blow up a reactor?”

Cloud threw back his head and laughed. 

“I’m serious. You said you’d do anything. We’ve got a job for you, if you want it.”

“Who’s ‘we’? It’s not Barret, is it?”

“You don’t need to know that yet.”

“Wow, Tifa.” Cloud shook his head disbelievingly. “What’ve you got yourself mixed up in?”

“If you agree to take the job, I’ll tell you. Here, drink this. Think it over.”

Whatever he was thinking, whatever his reasons, it didn’t take him long to drain the glass and come to a decision. “Okay, sure. Why not? It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do, and gil is gil. Hell, Teef, I’m game. No favours, though. This is strictly business.”

“How much, Cloud?”

“Going against Shinra, that’s pretty risky. Their security’s the best. I’m better, but you gotta make it worth my while.”

“Five hundred gil?”

“Ha, you’re funny. Two thousand.”

“One thousand, plus your room and board.”

“One and a half. Final offer.”

He spat on his hand and held it out to her, the way they used to do when they were kids.   _ Spit and swear the oath you make, binds the bond you cannot break.  _

Tifa clasped his hand. “Done.”

She didn’t know where they would find the money. 


	4. Chapter 4

The team came back high as kites from that first bombing raid, scorched and sooty, drunk on their own victory. A great blow had been struck against the enemy! Time to celebrate. Tifa had to keep reminding herself not to forget that people had died. Killing innocent bystanders hadn’t been part of the plan. Of course you could be sure Shinra wasn’t shedding any tears over the dead. All Shinra cared about was money, money, money. In a war like this, a life-or-death struggle against an implacable enemy, you had to expect some casualties. Shinra didn’t lose its nerve at the sight of innocent blood, which meant Avalanche couldn’t afford to, either, because if they did, then the company would go on leeching the life out of the planet and soon there would be no hope left for anyone. 

While the others were eating, Barret took her aside for a debrief. Cloud had been acting strangely in the reactor. “Some kinda fit,” Barret said. 

“Like - epilepsy?” That might explain a lot, she thought.

“Could be.” Barret’s voice dropped to a hoarse whisper, as though afraid Cloud might overhear. “All I know is, he ain’t right in the head, Teef.”

She wanted desperately to deny it. Instead, she changed the subject.  “He came through, didn’t he? He didn’t let you down.”

“I ain’t denying he can fight. We couldn’ta done it without him, and that’s the truth. Now don’t you tell him I said so. But his heart ain’t in it and that’s why I can’t trust him. Makes no difference to him if he’s fighting for Avalanche or Shinra.”

“Well, that’s what he says.”

Barret gave her a searching look. “Whaddya you mean?”

“I mean it’s what he does that counts.”

She knew how Cloud’s mind worked. Only weaklings showed how much they cared. Cloud had always worried about the impression he made on others. He needed to be seen as strong and tough; that was why he kept getting into fights. But he did care, she knew he did. Even if he didn’t care about the planet - and to be fair, the planet was kind of an abstract concept - he cared about her. She had proof of it. He’d brought her a flower. In the middle of all that noise and smoke and chaos, while he was running for his life, he had stopped to think of her. 

These were private feelings, not to be shared even with Barret.  _ Especially _ not with Barret. To him she said, “Since you’re so worried, I think I’d better come with you tomorrow, to keep an eye on him.”


	5. Chapter 5

She tried to hold on to him, but he slipped from her grasp. She couldn’t save him. Nobody, not even a SOLDIER First Class, could survive a fall from that height. Shinra had finally taken everything from her. Hate was all she had left. She told Barret - no, she  _ ordered _ Barret to give her the Corneo mission. The more dangerous, the better. She wanted, she craved the feeling of needing to fight to stay alive. Otherwise, she might just take one of the kitchen knives Cloud had sharpened for her two days ago and use it to carve out the big hot ball of unbearable pain that was sitting in the middle of her chest where her heart used to be.

And yet...

In a surprising twist, it turned out fate could be kind as well as cruel: cruel and kind in equal measure. She didn’t need him to save her, she needed him to be alive, and he was, so why couldn’t she simply be glad? Why did everything have to be so messy? Why did he have to bring  that strange girl ?   _That girl_ had talked him, her dear confused Cloud, who was so emphatic about his masculinity and yet couldn’t even be the same man two days running, into playing  _ a female impersonator _ . Dress, wig, perfume, the lot. How had she done it? What spell had she cast on him? 

The girl was a firebrand, bossy and ballsy. Who was she? Where had he found her? All that pinkness was some kind of disguise. She showed them how to handle Don Corneo:  _ talk, or I’ll rip them off.  _ She looked like she’d do it, too. The way she flung that staff around, she wielded magic like a pro. Sephiroth had told Tifa once that only that only ignorant people called materia magic, and so Tifa had defiantly thought of it as magic ever since. She’d rather be ignorant than owe one single thing, one single  _ word, _ to that evil murdering Shinra bastard. 

The sewers, the train graveyard, the pillar: there was no time for questions.  No matter how fast they moved, death and the Turks were always one step ahead. Too late, Tifa learned that deep down she had believed there were some crimes even Shinra would not stoop too.  Jessie with her dying breath had said, “This is the punishment for our sins.” Even Barret, disoriented by grief, seemed to think the catastrophe was their fault. Only Cloud could see a way forward. 

“We have to rescue Aerith,” he told them.

_ Yes _ , thought Tifa.  _ Let’s save a life for a change. _


	6. Chapter 6

Out in the wide world dawn was breaking, flooding the grasslands with rosy gold light. Tifa had forgotten how beautiful mornings could be. The smell of last night’s rain lingered in the earth. 

Cloud, Aerith, and Red XIII had walked on ahead, side by side with Cloud in the middle. They were still in sight, but out of Tifa’s earshot. From the look of things, they were talking up a storm. 

It had been Cloud’s decision to head for the abandoned mythril mines. He’d heard about them from someone he met in a bar last night. By passing under the mountains that stood between them and Junon, he said, they could avoid the roads that would surely be clogged with Shinra roadblocks. Red XIII and Aerith were immediately in favour of the idea. They looked automatically to Cloud for leadership, and while Tifa couldn’t exactly blame them for this, she still did blame them a little. The loss of his role would have broken Barret’s heart, if it hadn’t been broken already. 

Jessie, Wedge and Biggs were dead. Seventh Heaven was rubble. Tifa and Barret were outnumbered. Shinra had been shaken but had not fallen, but it didn’t matter anyway because apparently they were chasing Sephiroth now. The one person who ought to be dead, wasn’t. 

Were they even Avalanche any more? 

Barret’s voice interrupted her thoughts. “Don’t get mad at me, Teef, but I gotta ask. That stuff he said last night. Was any of it true?”

She’d been expecting this. “Cloud doesn’t lie.”

With her standing right there, listening to every word, he would not have said those things unless he believed them to be true. 

“You told me two SOLDIERs came to Nibelheim. You never told me one of them was _him_.”  
“Yes. I know. I’m sorry. I just - I just - I always assumed he was dead, that other SOLDIER. Cloud. I thought Sephiroth had killed him.”  
“So why didn’t he?”

“How do I know, Barret? You might as well ask why Sephiroth didn’t kill me. I’ve asked myself that question enough times. I can’t tell you what happened, because I was unconscious. The last thing I remember is falling down the stairs after he slashed me. Why didn’t he finish the job? I can only assume it’s because I wasn’t important enough. He was after something more important. What that was, I don’t know.”

“That headless freak in the Shinra building?”

“I don’t know, Barret. And I don’t think Cloud knows either. Please don’t ask me to explain. I don’t understand any more than you do.”

“Why would Shinra say Sephiroth’s dead if he ain’t? He’s their SOLDIER poster boy.”

Tifa could have screamed. How could she figure this thing out if Barret kept firing questions at her?  “The papers never wrote one true word about Nibelheim. Just because something’s in the news, it doesn’t mean it happened, and it doesn’t mean Shinra believes it.”

Barret had nothing to say to that. Thank goodness. 

How did Cloud know about Zangan? Zangan travelled all over the world; possibly the two of them had run into each other somewhere, possibly Cloud had mentioned that he came from Nibelheim, possibly Zangan had asked if Cloud knew Tifa. All these possibilities were a house of cards. And how could Cloud have known about the music on her piano? And that orthopaedic underwear crack! Damn Aerith for giggling. Whatever happened to sisterly solidarity? But the letter -

There had been a letter on her desk. A letter from one of Zangan’s other students, asking if Tifa wanted to be pen pals. 

The fantasy about confronting Sephiroth was something she could understand. Hadn’t she killed Sephiroth herself many times over in her dreams? If only he had died when the rope bridge snapped; if only she’d got him lost in the mountains; if only she had moved just a split second faster when she had his sword in her hands. If only she’d known. 

Somehow, along the way, Cloud had turned his fantasy into reality. Yet she didn’t think he was entirely lost. Deep inside him, he knew the truth. He hadn’t forgotten the promise. If he’d truly done what he said he’d done at Nibelheim, that would mean he’d kept his promise. But he admitted he hadn’t.  _ I’m not a hero, and I’m not famous. I can’t keep the promise.  _ That had been the real Cloud talking.  

But the letter… The letter was the strangest thing. Why would he make all that up?  _ Cloud wasn’t that close to us… He wouldn’t want to hang out with us….We won’t invite him. All I think about is Nibelheim. Everybody likes you... idolises you… I couldn’t stab them in the back - _

“D’you think mebbe he’s a schizo?” said Barret.

“What?”  
“Like, one of them split personalities. I mean, I like him, I guess. He’s got spirit. But you gotta admit he’s weird. There’s days when you can’t get a word out of him, and then you turn around and he won’t shut up.”

Tifa looked at the three of them walking on ahead. She could just about hear their voices, though not their words. For someone who said he didn’t like two-legged things, Red XIII sure had a lot to say. Aerith had twined her arm through Cloud’s, and was bending across him to tap Red XIII on the nose. Cloud threw back his head and laughed. 

.

On first acquaintance, Aerith came across as the sort of girly-girl that Tifa, in her heart of hearts, had always despised just a little, though she’d never own up to it. For as long as she could remember, Tifa had prided herself on running faster, climbing higher, punching harder than any boy in town - and maybe, in the beginning, she had thought a little less of Cloud for falling under the new girl's spell. He went spinning after Aerith like a lost moon in search of a planet to orbit. Tifa felt snubbed and betrayed. Yet as she got to know Aerith better, her sense having lost something precious gradually faded, until it almost didn't hurt at all. How could she bear either of them a grudge, when she, too, felt the pull of Aerith’s magic?

.

Coming back from a shopping expedition with Cloud, Aerith ran up the stairs of the inn to the room the girls shared and emptied her purchases onto her bed: lipstick, hair ribbons, accessories, candy. “Goodies!” Yuffie cried, grabby hands filling themselves with loot. Aerith plucked a vibrant red nail varnish from Yuffie’s grasp and plumped herself down next to Tifa. “This one’s for you. Stop sign red. The shopkeeper said it’s good against Slow. There’s no way I could get away with a colour this intense, but it’ll be perfect on you. It’ll bring out your eyes. Doesn’t Tifa have the most amazing eyes, Yuffie?”

“Yeah, whatever,” mumbled Yuffie through a mouthfull of jujubes.

Aerith took one of Tifa’s hands and turned it over in her own. Her fingers were surprisingly calloused. All that staff-wielding. “Can you read palms?” asked Tifa.

“Oh, I wish. If we could see the future we could steal a march on Sephiroth. Tifa, you really need to take better care of your hands. Look how dry your cuticles are. You have beautiful nails but you are shamefully neglecting them. Look, I bought some carob butter. Let me give you a manicure, and then you can tell me how much you love this colour on you. Because I know you will.”

In the early days of their journey together, Tifa had often silently railed against what she thought of as ‘Aerith’s air-head chatter’. By the time they reached Wutai, she understood: Aerith’s chatter was part of her healing magic. 

Aerith healed their wounds both inside and out. She fortified their hearts and raised their spirits. When Red XIII sank into one of his depressions, Aerith found the words to give him strength. When Barret was overcome with grief and self-hatred, Aerith knew how to draw his anger on herself, where it could do no harm. She knew how to puncture Vincent’s old-fashioned pomposity without hurting his feelings, so that instead of laughing at him, they laughed with him. When Cid flew into an exasperated rage, Aerith was the one who calmed him down. She showed them it was possible to forgive Yuffie without forgetting what she’d done.  She knew how to be a friend, and by being a friend, she made them all friends with each other. 

  
  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

Camped on the shores of the ancient island, Tifa couldn’t sleep. She rose from her bed, left the tent she shared with Yuffie and Aerith, and returned to the campfire, now a heap of glowing embers. Cloud was in a tent with Vincent, and Barret with Cid, both of them snoring loud enough to frighten off any monsters that might stray too close. Tifa had the night to herself. The moon was full, the sky full of stars. A warm breeze blew in from the sea, smelling of salt and jasmine.  To the north, the shadow of the temple loomed. Was Sephiroth waiting for them there? She had fought him once, set eyes on him twice, and listened to countless people describe their sightings of him, yet she still didn’t know for sure if he was real or an illusion. 

If he was an illusion, at least he was an illusion they all shared. That was a comforting thought. 

Someone was walking towards her across the sand. “Tifa?” It was Aerith, staff in hand. These last few days she had never let it out of her sight. 

“Can’t you sleep either?” 

“It’s stupid of me. We’re going to need all our strength tomorrow. But I’m so excited. I feel as if I’m on the brink of discovering who I really am. All the answers to my questions are in that place. I can  _ feel _ them calling to me. They want to be known. Do I sound ridiculous?”

“I know who you are,” said Tifa. “You’re Aerith. You heal people.”

“Physician, heal thyself!” Aerith laughed. 

“Vincent says the self is a construct. People make themselves up out of all the bits and pieces they find along the way.”

“Vincent’s afraid that  _ he _ is a construct. That’s why he wallows in his pain. He thinks that if he forgot his pain, he’d forget who he is.”

“But isn’t that true?” said Tifa. “The pain comes from remembering, but if we don’t remember, then who are we? If we had the memory span of a goldfish, we’d have to reinvent the world and ourselves from scratch every seven seconds. And how could we say then that we were the same person from one minute to the next?”

“A good question” said Aerith. “Tifa -  now that we’re alone, can we talk about Cloud? That’s why I came out here. It’s time, don’t you think? Come on, let’s sit down.”

Someone had left a blanket beside the fire. The two girls sat down on this, Aerith cross-legged, Tifa with her legs curled beneath her. “You start,” she said.

“All right. Let’s begin with an easy one. How does he know Professor Hojo?”

“I don’t know. But he used to work for Shinra, so maybe then?”

Aerith nodded. “Okay. I guess it doesn't really matter. This next one’s harder. Deep breath. Tifa - back in Midgar, were you and he together?”

Tifa was determined to be honest. Aerith deserved no less. “No. But I wanted us to be.”

“Is it true that you were childhood sweethearts?”

“Yes.”

“And now?”

“I don’t know. Sorry to keep saying that. He’s my dearest friend. But I don’t know any more if I’d be good for him. I think I burden him too much with the past. He always seems more light-hearted with you.”

“Can I tell you something?” Aerith wriggled herself a little closer to Tifa, and lowered her voice confidentially, though there was no one else who could possibly hear. “Cloud isn’t the first SOLDIER who fell into my church. For it to happen once is strange, but twice… That’s more than coincidence.  There was something about him that reminded me of Zack. It wasn't just the uniform - “

“Zack?” said Tifa.

“Zack was the other SOLDIER who fell into my church. He used to be my boyfriend. You look surprised.”

“I - No - It’s just - Gongaga Zack? We met his parents?”

“Yes. Wasn’t that awful? I feel so bad about it. All they wanted was to know he was all right. I could have given them that.”

Tifa ached to tell her. Never in her life had she wanted to tell the truth as badly as she wanted it right now. Ever since Kalm, she’d been carrying this secret like a piece of shrapnel in her heart. Aerith could heal her of it. All she had to do was share. 

She couldn’t do it. Her throat had closed up. Fear paralysed her tongue. Her whole body simply  _ refused _ . 

They’d got this far on a lie. The truth might tear them apart. 

Aerith was still speaking. “Zack Fair was my first love. One day he was the centre of my life, and the next, he simply vanished. I've never known why. I’m pretty sure Tseng knows where he is, but he won’t tell me. He tried to make me believe Zack was dead. I know that’s not true. If Zack was dead, I’d feel it. I was head over heels for that man. But he was a real ladies’ man, and his work with SOLDIER took him all over the planet, so the sad truth is he probably found someone else and moved on.  When I met Cloud, he reminded me so much of Zack, I just  _ had _ to follow him. Zack was a First Class, too. I thought they’d be bound to know each other. But Cloud said he’d never heard of him.”

“No,” said Tifa. 

“Even now sometimes he acts so much like Zack, it’s uncanny. At first I thought they were two peas in a pod, two big muscle-bound super-confident SOLDIERs with a woman in every port. But Cloud’s not like that, is he? The real Cloud, I mean.”

Tifa screwed up all her courage. “Can I ask you something? Do you love him, Aerith?” 

“I’m not sure. Can you love someone if you don’t know them? Right now, all I can say for sure is that I’d like to know him better. If that’s possible. He seems… what’s the word? Fractured. Like a broken mirror. You know him better than I do. Does he seem that way to you?”

Tifa took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Yes, he does.” 

“I’d like to heal him,” said Aerith. “At the very least, I’d like to try, if he’ll let me. As long as you’re okay with it. As for what will come after, who knows? Maybe we’re destined to remain good friends. Maybe there’s someone else in his future none of us can see.”

“You’ll have to ask Cait Sith about that.”

Aerith laughed. “Maybe I will.”

On a sudden impulse Tifa took her hand and squeezed it tight. “Do it. Help him, Aerith. If you can’t heal him, no one can.”


	8. Chapter 8

Aerith never got the chance to heal him. She couldn’t even save herself. 

“How could you let this happen?” Tifa shouted at him. “You stood there and did nothing.”

The others had made a tactical retreat. She and Cloud were alone in the little wooden shell house whose quirkiness had so charmed her yesterday. Now she hated it. She hated everything about this place. 

He said, “I think I’m broken.”

He looked it, but right now she didn’t care. She had her own grief to deal with. For lack of any better target, she battered her fists against his chest, and he seemed to understand because he didn’t try to stop her. Maybe offering himself as her punching bag was his way of atoning. Hitting him was like hitting a rock. Her shoulders burned, her knuckles were raw, yet it hardly made a dent in her rage. She had to sit down. 

Cloud crouched on the floor beside her.

She said, “We’re all broken. She was the one holding us together. How can we go on without her?”

“We have to. At least, I do. I can’t stop now. You can leave if you want. I wouldn’t blame you. But before you decide, Tifa, there’s something you need to know. I should have told you before. I didn’t because I was afraid you’d think I’m crazy, like Barret keeps saying I am.”

“What are you talking about?”

He grabbed her hand and held on like a drowning man, crushing her fingers. It hurt but she hardly noticed. He’d never reached out to her like this before. 

“I hear him, Tifa. Inside me.”

“Who?" She gasped. "Not - "

“Ever since the Temple it’s been getting worse.”

“That was - him?”

“I can’t remember anything clearly. The noise in my head is so loud. I’m fighting all the time to stay in control. I wasn’t doing nothing when he attacked Aerith. I was fighting him, inside me. He wanted me to do it. He almost won. And when I wouldn’t, when I denied him, he did it anyway, to show me I couldn’t stop him. He was laughing. Mocking me. I can still hear it.”

“Oh, Cloud - “

“I keep thinking about what he said. That I’m not - not real…”

“Don’t be stupid. Of course you’re real. He’s messing with your head because he’s cruel and he likes to hurt people.”

“Can you hear him?”

“No - “

“No, I’m the only one. Why am I the only one?”

“He targets you because you’re our leader.”

“He’s not human. He was made in Shinra’s labs. What if I’m the same? What if that’s why I can hear him, because we’re the same? We’re the same in other ways. We were both in SOLDIER. We have the same physical strength.”

She almost told him then. It could have been the right time - or the worst time. If he was teetering on the precipice, she didn’t want to push him over. So she said, “I  _ know _ that can’t be true, Cloud.”

“How do you know?”

“Well, because… I just do. Because I know you. We’ve known each other all our lives.” 

“If Shinra can rebuild Nibelheim and make it look like nothing ever happened, they could clone your childhood friend and fill his head up with artificial memories. Look at Cait Sith. Their AI is unbelievable.”

“Stop it, Cloud. You’re not a clone.”

“All this time I thought I was following Sephiroth of my own free will. But what if I’ve been summoned? What about those - things, in Nibelheim, that said Sephiroth was calling them? What if I’m one of them?”

Tifa was beginning to feel a little frightened. She knew he was wrong, and yet… What he was saying didn’t entirely not make sense. 

“You are nothing like those things, Cloud. They were mindless. You have a mind. You know who you are. Can’t you see what he’s trying to do? Don’t let him win! We can’t lose you too.”

Cloud nodded. “Yes. Yes. You’re right. You’re always right, Tifa.” Getting to his feet, he began to pace back and forth. “I need to listen to you, not him. I am Cloud Strife  of Nibelheim. I’m a SOLDIER. I earned this uniform myself. My memories are real. The things I remember, you remember.”

Tifa wished he’d stop pacing. He was making her think of an actor reciting his lines on a stage. 

He turned to face her.  “Come with me, Tifa. If not for me, then for Aerith. I can’t do this on my own. Physically, I think I’m strong enough to kill him, but mentally… I  _ am _ weak. When he’s in my head, I need you to remind me that I’m real.”

.

_ What I have shown you is reality. What you remember, that is the illusion.  _

But Sephiroth’s truth wasn’t the whole truth either. 

Maybe he didn’t know everything, or maybe he was a malevolent manipulative liar, mixing falsehood with truth like poison mixed with honey. 

How could she explain, when she had lied too? Why should Cloud believe her now?

_ All the things you didn’t know that you should, and other things you shouldn’t know that you did…. _

She’d persuaded herself that silence wasn’t the same as telling a lie. Letting Cloud hang on to his fantasy seemed the kindest and most prudent thing to do. His illusions weren’t hurting anybody, and they meant so much to him.

How could she have been so stupid?

Sephiroth wanted nothing but to hurt him, and by keeping silent she had left Cloud wide open to attack. Their enemy took her truth and turned it into a weapon, breaking the last hinge of his mind. 


	9. Chapter 9

Aerith was dead, Cloud was lost, Meteor loomed in the sky. Everything they touched turned to dust and sorrow. Avalanche had failed.  

What was she supposed to do now?

“What you talkin’ about?” Barret chided her. “Where’s that tough girl I used to know? She wouldn’t be askin’ these questions. She’d do what she always did: get up off her ass and fight.”

.

They searched the world for him, and at last the trail brought them to Mideel. 

The place was a steam bath, soaked in so much sunlight it made their eyes ache. Sweat trickled between their shoulder blades. All around the town, pools of lifestream bubbled out of the ground. The local said activity in the pools had intensified when Meteor appeared. A heady scent of mako wafted in and out on the breeze, smelling like tropical fruit that had just begun to ferment. “A feller could get drunk on this air,” said Cid, and lit a cigar to dispel the aroma. He was, after all, a teetotaller. 

The doctor said his clinic saw a lot of mako poisoning cases, but never one as bad as this. “Poor chap, he’s a million miles away from us. Somewhere no one’s ever been. All alone - “

“He’s not alone,” said Tifa fiercely. 

She had rescued him before. She could do it again. No half-measures this time. What was there left to be afraid of? Either he’d wake up and they’d die together fighting Sephiroth, or he wouldn’t and they’d die together in this clinic when Meteor hit. Whatever happened, she wasn’t leaving his side again. The others would have to go on without her. 

Every morning she lifted Cloud out of bed, put him on the toilet, combed his hair and shaved him, dressed him, fed him, took him for walks around the little town, and talked to him non-stop about their adventures. “Do you remember meeting Cid and getting the Tiny Bronco? ‘Sit down and drink your goddamn tea!’ Pretty rough hospitality, I thought.  Who would have guessed we’d become such good friends? He’s taken over the lead, but he doesn’t like it. He wants to you to damn well move your lazy ass and get better! We’ve got his airship now, that big one, remember, that we saw when we all passed through Junon. Cid stole it right from under Rufus and Heidegger’s noses. You should have seen Scarlet’s face!

“Do you remember when the delivery truck came around the corner and knocked Palmer flat on his behind? Honk honk, special delivery: great justice! 

“Priscilla sends you her love. She still has the worst crush on you. I promised I’d write to her when I found you, to let her know you’re safe. Oh, Cloud - Do you remember when Rufus Shinra gave you the Force Stealer because he liked your poses in his parade? You pretended you didn’t care, because it was a little embarrassing, wasn’t it, to be praised by Rufus, of all people? But Aerith and I could see you were secretly pleased…. “

At bedtime she stripped him naked and gave him a cooling sponge bath: memories of those first days back in Seventh Heaven. “Cloud, do you remember the flower you gave me, after the number one reactor job? Did I ever tell you I pressed it? I planned on keeping it forever. That day feels like a lifetime ago, doesn’t it?”

He was still the most beautiful man she’d ever seen. Tifa was strict with herself about unnecessary touching, although it was the one thing she hadn’t tried, and sometimes she wondered….

He needed to be turned four or five times a night. Tifa slept in the next bed over. She’d bought an alarm clock, but never needed it. He was all she thought about. 

Every night when she tucked him in, she stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. “I wish Aerith were here. She’d snap you out of this. I know you blame yourself. Listen to me, Cloud: it wasn’t your fault. It was my fault. I made the wrong choice. Fight him, Cloud! Don’t let him drag you down to his level. Come back to me. Follow my voice. I’m waiting for you right here.” 


	10. Chapter 10

She’d never have guessed it would be death by drowning. Who expects to drown in an earthquake? It’s not so bad, though. Not bad at all. Peaceful, peaceful floatiness. Waves of blue and gold light.

Her feet touch something solid. She stands stand up.

If she’s drowning, why is she breathing?

That light. Lovely. It reminds her of his eyes. Like sunlight filtered through the blue of his eyes.

_They told him to come play dragon hunters. He was so excited to be asked to join. He had to be the dragon. They tied him up and put him in a sack and hit him with sticks.  They were laughing. They left him there in the woods. It was dark. Mum had to come find him._

“Who - “

_Tifa’s friends._

“Wait a minute - I don’t know anything about that!”

What if she’s not in the lifestream?

_She thought it was funny. She teased him about it._

“That can’t have been me. I would never do a thing like that.”

_Everybody idolises her._

“No! Stop it! Stay back!!

_He couldn’t tell them they were wrong._

Where is she? What is this place? “Someone, help! Please! Cloud, help me! Where are you?”

He’s everywhere. He’s all around her.

He’s in Nibelheim. He never really left. He has some questions for her.

Okay, she gets it. He’s trying to put the pieces together, figure out who he really is. Good. Good. It’s a big step forward. He brought her here because he knows she can help him. The memories they share are the answers to the question. She holds the truth in the palm of her hand.

_Why did Tifa come out to meet him at the water tower?_

“Because you’re my friend and you asked me to. I could see it was important to you.”

_That’s what you think you remember. Think harder._

“Because… I was curious… What did you want to tell me?”

Now that she thinks about it, he never had much to say to her, back then. He was simply there, the town troublemaker, a fixture of their village. When she told her father he’d left to join Shinra, her father said, Good riddance.

_A sealed up, secret wish. Tender memories no one can ever know. Can he show you something? It’s important to him._

Why does she feel such reluctance? What is she afraid she will see?

_Look through the window. Your window. Look through his eyes, standing on the outside, looking in._

“That day… my mother…”

_He was imagining how you must be feeling. He was wondering how to help you._

“But Cloud, don’t you remember? You took me into the mountains. You said we could meet her there…”

_She went alone. It was her idea. He followed her._

It’s true. She remembers now. Her friends refused to come. They were scared. She went on by herself, and she wasn’t planning on coming back.

_Tifa had never been alone before. He knew how it felt to be alone. He was afraid for her._

The bridge broke -

_He tried to save her, but he couldn’t._

She let her father blame him. If only she had known -  

_Loser. Punk. SOLDIER  reject. He was so ashamed. What if she laughed at him? Worse - what if she pitied him?_

“I would never - “

But she would. She had.

_Always, he was the outsider. The loner. Angry with them all for shutting him out._

“It’s true, we weren’t that close, but - “

_Too weak to be honest about his feelings._

“We weren’t exactly friends, but - “

Not old friends, not childhood sweethearts, not playmates.

_How could he tell her how much he admired her?_

“Is it true, Cloud? I’ve been deceiving myself?”

_There were no words. He had to show her._

“I should never have asked for that promise. I had no right.”

_Don’t say that. It meant everything to him. Tifa’s beauty drew him in, but it was her courage, her strength, her independence that inspired him. He wanted to be like her. Stronger. Braver._

He came back, and she never knew. She didn’t see, because she wasn’t looking. She only had eyes for the SOLDIER of her romantic fantasies, the one she could boast about to her friends. She didn’t look twice at the lowly trooper, or wonder who was behind his mask. A true friend’s heart would have seen straight away. A true friend would have rejoiced to see him, no matter what uniform he wore.

The truth has been staring her in the face all along.  

“It was you, Cloud - you were the trooper who wouldn’t let me go into the reactor.”

_He - I -_

“You were there. You really were there. You saw it all, Cloud?”

_I saw everything -_

“You killed Sephiroth. I always thought it must have been Zack. But it was you.”

_He took everything I ever cared about. Except you. I wouldn’t let him take you._

“You kept the promise. You saved me.”

_I’m sorry - I didn’t get there - fast enough -_

“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry it took me so long to understand. Cloud - it is you, isn’t it?”

“I  - think so.” A tentative, rusty smile. There’s the Cloud I remember, she thinks, but quickly catches herself. Careful. Don’t make the same mistakes twice. The Cloud she knew in Nibelheim never had much reason to smile, and for that, she must accept her share of the blame.

She’ll think of a way to make it up to him.

“Yes, this is me. Finally, we meet again, Tifa.”

Cloud Strife: keeper of promises. Her hero. Dependable. Strong. So, so solid. Just look at him. What a beautiful, beautiful man!

What does a woman do when she falls into her beloved’s consciousness and sees herself through his eyes? There isn’t much she can do, but admit she never was a guardian angel anywhere but in her own imagination. The Tifa to whom Cloud gave his promise was a real teenage girl, fifteen years old, vain, headstrong, imperious, with a flair for the dramatic. He'd seen the truth of her, and he loved her all the same. For seven long years, while she’d been re-writing that girl over and over until she became someone almost  unrecognisable, Cloud had stayed true to the memory of who she really was. Which, when she thinks about it, is more than a little humbling, because god! fifteen-year-old her was an idiot. That girl didn't have the first idea who her true friends were. She couldn't appreciate what she had until she'd almost lost it - and not once, or even twice, but three times. She really needs to start being bit quicker on the uptake. 

She doesn't deserve him. Yet fate keeps handing him back to her.  _Look_ , says the lifestream, with a hint of exasperation in its voice (it sounds like Aerith, and maybe that's her imagination, but she's going to go with it. Right now, anything is possible. Anything.) - _Look what I found. He belongs to you. Take him._

 She longs to throw her arms around him, but maybe it’s still too soon. He always was a little on the shy side. Take it slowly. There’s no hurry. All the time that’s left in the world now, is theirs.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Written for this prompt from turtlesparadise:  
> "Much is made of Cloud's memory gaps due to mako poisoning, but it's often forgotten or overlooked that Tifa had her own memory problems - possibly caused by her fall (the accident that Cloud was blamed for), in which Tifa ended up in a coma. I'd love to see something about Tifa's struggle to regain and/or make sense of her own memories, while helping Cloud make sense of his own, and perhaps some mention of Tifa's POV, what her experience was like to be in a coma, and then seeing Cloud go through his own struggles with false memories."
> 
> Thank you for the fabulous prompt, turtlesparadise, and for the opportunity to spend a little time exploring Tifa's psyche. I adore her. She's some kind of lady. She also has a tendency to be too hard on herself. Does she deserve Cloud? Does she deserve to be happy? That's for you to decide. You can probably guess what I think. I only wish this fic were more coherent. It feels all over the place. But I ran out of time. 
> 
> I had a hard time finding a title for this fic, so I turned to my trusty W B Yeats. I'm copying the poem here in full because it gives me joy to share poetry. In their purest form, Cloud's feelings for Tifa must, I think, have been something like this:
> 
> _When You Are Old_
> 
> _When you are old and grey and full of sleep,_  
>  _And nodding by the fire, take down this book,_  
>  _And slowly read, and dream of the soft look_  
>  _Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;_
> 
> _How many loved your moments of glad grace,_  
>  _And loved your beauty with love false or true,_  
>  _But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,_  
>  _And loved the sorrows of your changing face;_
> 
> _And bending down beside the glowing bars,_  
>  _Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled_  
>  _And paced upon the mountains overhead_  
>  _And hid his face amid a crowd of stars._
> 
> It occurred to me to wonder how many other writers had borrowed a title from this beautiful poem. So I googled 'a crowd of stars', and to my delight I found this Chinese poem, much older than the Yeats' poem, which also seems (to me, at least) to express something of the soul of Cloud's story. It was written around the 9th century by Han Shan. 
> 
> _A crowd of stars lines up_  
>  _Bright in the deep night._  
>  _Lone lamp on the cliff,_  
>  _The moon is not yet sunk,_  
>  _Full and bright without being_  
>  _Ground or polished._  
>  _Hanging in the black sky is my mind._


End file.
